At Whose Expense?

Carrying the Feelings of Guilt of our Oppressors

Dr. Kiara Butler, Chief Executive Officer & Founder

When I enter into spaces, I enter authentically. I make it known that I am Black. I am a lesbian. I am a woman. I am a Black, lesbian, woman, who knows what it means to be oppressed simply for living in my truth. However, even while living in that truth, there comes a number of instances where I don’t feel respected, validated, or heard. As a Black woman CEO (who make up 1.2 percent of women-led businesses), I can honestly say that no one could have prepared me for this journey of leading a 10+ person start-up focused on creating an anti-racist society, while simultaneously combatting varying systems of oppression as an individual. There is no playbook for us to follow.

The Cause Behind Anti-Racism Training

In 2020, in response to racial tensions surfacing in the aftermath of murders of Black people at the hands of police, Diversity Talks collaborated with PR(iSM) Resistance Coalition to develop and deliver a virtual anti-racism training series. The anti-racism training started as a free offering for the community with attendance of over 750 people from across the world. The series then became a core offering of our two organizations with delivery to 2,741 participants from 28 organizations in less than two years. During the two-part, 3-hour series, Rachael Gavin, CEO of PR(iSM) and I guided participants through the social construct of race. We explored the impact of systemic racism within the context of the United States, while creating space for each participant to examine their own contributions to white supremacy based on our positionality in society. When creating the series, we were intentional in wanting to foster a safe space for workshop participants. Our goal was for vulnerability to be freely expressed regardless of your racial and cultural background, but there was one thing we didn’t plan for or predict. We didn’t anticipate the cost of creating these safe spaces. We needed to answer the question “at whose expense?”

The Effects of Delivery

For over 76 workshops, we logged onto zoom 15 minutes in advance anticipating what to expect. We incorporated feedback from prior sessions. We debriefed our days and we attempted to find Black joy before letting in the participants from the waiting room. No one really knows what goes on behind the scenes for Black facilitators of anti-racism training. There’s an expectation that facilitators show up a certain way, react to all participant responses with grace, while maintaining the norms of the collective space.

For over 76 workshops, I suppressed the varying experiences that make up who I am:

• The burnout of being a CEO of a start-up organization during a pandemic;
• The suicidal thoughts that led me to being diagnosed with severe depression;
• The trauma of witnessing Black people die on video over and over again;
• The illness and death of family and friends;

Of all these things, the one that I still grapple with the most was my ability to refrain from responding to participants who refused to acknowledge their individual privileges and contributions to white supremacy in the United States or blatantly invalidated my lived experiences. All the while, states across the country continue to pass laws to “shield white people from discomfort of racist past” with no acknowledgement of the impact of racism and white people’s ability to still benefit from it today. But where is our shield? What policies protect us from enduring harm within these spaces? None.

No one can adequately prepare Black people for the racism we experience on a daily basis. The inexplicable truth is that our tears and feelings of anguish aren’t viewed the same as those of white people. They don’t hold the same weight nor garner the same empathy. They rarely impact outcomes of trials, policies, or practices, unlike our white counterparts, even with the data to prove.

The Results of Participating

Our research team analyzed the data collected at the end of each training producing an impact report. There’s a saying, “with great sacrifice, comes great reward”. Yet the words found nuzzled in our branded colors and graphics, the results that most people seeking or funding anti-racism training care about; those words tell the better half of the story:

• 82% of participants reported an intention to shift their future behavior in their personal and professional life as a result of attending the workshops.
• 65% of participants reported that the training led to changes in their views on racism in the US.
• 90% of participants rated the quality of delivery and content as high or very high quality.
• 89% of participants would likely or very likely recommend our training series to others.

At Whose Expense?

On December 6, 2021, Diversity Talks and PR(iSM) delivered the last virtual anti-racism training series led by Rachael and I. We decided after reflecting that the sacrifice outweighed the reward. As a form of resistance and liberation for ourselves, we weighed the costs and the outcomes, and made the radical decision to no longer offer the anti-racism training series as a service. Over the last 18 months or so, I witnessed the very lessons of what I was teaching during the training play out in real time. I saw the hard lesson of how racism and other systems of oppression will continue to operate as designed in the United States. Those most marginalized will continue to carry the burdens and feelings of guilt of our oppressors. As a society, we will continue to create spaces of comfort for white people to disregard how racism is woven within the threads of the United States; leaving Black people and other people of color in the position of navigating spaces where we have to defend our existence, our experiences, and our intellect or code-switch to appease the white gaze.

…up until the point that we don’t anymore.